Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Off to St. Kitts for a Vacay!

I have a friendly blogstalker that reads my stay-at-home-momma drama all the way from St. Kitts in the West Indies. She wrote to me and told me my blog "makes her day." Wow. And she wants Flat Stanley to come for a visit there . . . (insert crazed shrieks of delight) . . . in St. Kitts!!!!!

This is just perfect. Those of you (that actually know me in real life) know I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Caribbean. Here is a list of the islands I've visited: St. Thomas, St. Martin, St. John, Tortola, Virgin Gorda, Martinique, Antigua, Grand Cayman, Puerto Rico, and Jamaica, Great Stirrup Cay. You could call it an obsession but I love everything about the islands . . . the beaches, the blue water, the coral reefs, snorkeling, Caribbean line dancing, touring plantations, jerk chicken, the shopping, etc. etc. etc.
Just thinking about the Caribbean got me all nostalgic. I scanned this picture of the most beautiful place I've ever been . . .

This is Trunk Bay on the island of St. John. Hands down - the most idyllic place on earth. I love the way the horizon is cluttered with island after island as far as the eye can see. The little island in the center has an underwater snorkeling trail and the most colorful coral I've seen anywhere in the Caribbean. Isn't it fitting "my Paradise" can be found on the island of St. John? I've visited this spot THREE times. It is the most beautiful place I have ever been.

I've never been to St. Kitts. Can't wait to see the pics of darling Flat Stanley visiting! After a little vacay in the islands, he'll be off the Utah. I love my blogstalkers!

Stay tuned for pics of my little folded friend living it up in the West Indies!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Not Responsible for Reader Narcolepsy . . .

Meet Flat Stanley.

He came in the mail a few days ago, along with a letter from my niece Brianna. In the letter, Brianna asked us to take Flat Stanley's picture doing something in our city and send it back to her. She also asked us to fill out a survey about where we live to help the kids in her class learn about other cities. (I believe the point of the project is to learn about distant communities. The fact that we live about 15 miles from Bri makes this pretty funny, but of course I'll play along.)

How exciting!

State: Ohio

City/Town: Delaware

Population: 32,986

What is the community famous for? Little Brown Jug Horse Race

Historical Facts About Your City: Former President Rutherford B. Hayes was born in Delaware and met his wife Lucy at Ohio Wesleyan University. Also, during the Civil War when Ohio sympathized with the north, Delaware served as a hub for the Underground Railroad.

Current Event: The city manager has presented his 2009 budget to the city council. After a series of public hearings, members of city council will vote to accept or reject this budget.

How Far From the Capital City: 24 miles north of Columbus

Here is Flat Stanley, having a complete blast
with the vice-mayor, a city councilman, the mayor, and I
at a city council meeting. Think she'll get extra-credit
for the inclusion of local celebrities????
It has been a very boring couple of days when all you can
come up with to blog about is a school project involving a flat paper man.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Flirt With Vampires

Twilight Movie Premier Action Plan

Step One - Create t-shirt that advertises my obsession with Edward Cullen
to wear to the premier

I Want to Have Your Vampire Babies
All I Want for Christmas is Edward Cullen
Leach Lover
I Kissed a Vampire and I Liked It
Boys in Books are Better

Didn't have enough letters, so I settled for this . . .

I ironed-on the letters, not realizing I was placing them directly on top of my ta-tas.
Oops . . . not exactly the look I was going for but no time to fix.

St. John came home from his business trip as I was getting dressed for the big premier. He walked into our bedroom at the exact moment I slipped into the shirt.

Step Two - Fight off husband who mistakes the t-shirt as instructions for him.

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

Step Three - Have a great time at the movie with Nikki, my sister Katie, and my mom.

Step Four - Try not to be too disappointed by the atrocious acting and weak special effects in the movie. Movies are never as good as the books.

The Edward that lives inside my head is soooooo much hotter and sexier,


My Edward doesn't wear lipstick either, but that's a whole other story.

Step Five - Go home and finally get to spend some time with St. John (who's way better than some rich, gorgeous, romantic, fictional vampire any day.)

And, he wouldn't be caught dead wearing lipstick . . .

unless it was mine, of course!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Dear St. John,

Since you've been away on your business trip, some things have changed around here.
Painting with watercolors in now the favorite morning activity.
Play dough is now considered "so last season."

Megan is sleeping all the way through the night and no longer gets
up 109384983893857934574 times to ask for a drink.

I got tired of cleaning up your dog's love droppings and hired a dog walker.

We're all much happier now.

I Want to Have Your Vampire Babies

I'll admit it . . . I've become a little obsessed with the Twilight book series about a sexy vampire named Edward Cullen. The movie premiers tonight at Midnight but I'm currently unable to find anyone willing to go with me at that hour. I thought about placing an ad in the personals:

Married female from Ohio searching for another married female
to attend the premier of Twilight at midnight.
Must be turned on by vampires
and be willing to wear a t-shirt that says,
"My heart belongs to my husband but

While the books are probably geared more to the teenage demographic I've decided it really takes a thirty-something housewife to truly appreciate Edward's finer qualities.

Why Stay-at-Home-Mommas Dig the Hell out of Edward:

1. He doesn't eat so you NEVER HAVE TO COOK FOR HIM.
2. His no-sex rule means you never have to say, "Not tonight, honey. I have a headache."
3. He's rich . . . duh!
4. He doesn't sweat . . . that means you'll never have to smell his B.O. or try to get the yellow pit stains out of his t-shirts.

5. He's gorgeous . . . hello!

My sister hasn't read the books yet so she just doesn't "get it." Read what she had to say here, then leave a comment telling her how WRONG she is and how RIGHT I am. It will be fun.

And don't even think I won't be at the movie theatre this weekend wearing my t-shirt!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Someone call the dog whisperer

Dear Mocha,

Let's compromise . . .

Quit taking a shizzle in my living room,

(for the second night in a row)

and stop the unwarranted romantic gestures.

In return, I'll allow you to live in my home, instead of the doghouse I'm about to buy you for the yard.


Your wicked step-mother Lisa

P.S. John, come home from your business trip soon. Your dog is a hater and I'm afraid she's going to eat me in my sleep.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Keeping me humble

One minute I'm running a community meeting with my constituents, shaking hands and smiling as they thank me for the work I'm doing as city councilwoman.

I'm cleaning up some run-down neighborhoods.

When I say something, reporters write it down and put it in the newspaper. (Still trying to get used to that.)

I'm somebody important.

I have business cards that say so.

My name is engraved on a desk at city hall.

Then I came home . . .

and cleaned up a huge pile of dog poop from the living room floor.

Thanks, Mocha, for helping to keep it all in perspective for me.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

An Interview with St. John

I've added my two cents worth in orange . . .

What nicknames does Lisa call you?The usual suspects - honey, dear, etc. And "Saint John," which a friend of hers coined. I think I like that one best :)

Who eats more sweets? That's a tough one because we are both closet sweets-eaters, and both tend to go weeks/months without then binge. Though Halloween night, we both did a number on Megan's treats... overall, though, it'd be a tough call.

Who said I love you first? * whistling while pretending not to have seen this question because I don't want to admit I'm not sure * I'm totally offended here! ha, actually, its been so long I don't remember either. I fell so totally in love with him the first time I saw him but tried to play it cool . . .

Who is taller? John is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy taller by at least five or six inches. total exaggeration

Who sings better? John, usually, even though I am terrible at remembering the words to songs, I can remember the "tune."

Who is smarter? Both in our own ways - Lisa is smarter at crafty things and dealing with people. And geography! John is smarter about technology and remembering "stuff" like which switch works what light in the house. I'm also smarter at remembering to change the toilet paper roll when I am finished :)

Who does the laundry? Lisa does about 95% of the laundry, but John does about 95% of the ironing. If you saw how I ironed, that would make complete sense to you.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?Standing at the foot of the bed, John sleeps on the right side. Unless by right, the question meant "correct," then the answer is still me :) That is a totally dumb question.

Who mows the lawn? Always John. I'm afraid I'll run over my toes and not be able to wear flip flips ever again

Who cooks dinner? Usually Lisa. However, John does nearly all the grilling, and has a few indoor specialties like Roast Beef and homemade Macaroni and Cheese. yummm

Who drives? Around town, mostly Lisa. Long trips, we split. Lisa feels carsick sometimes so it's easier for us both if she drives mostly. I hate being a passenger.

Who's more stubborn? Hahahahahahahaha. Both. He totally is.

Tell us about your first kiss (with Lisa)Dating not very long but it was like the 5th + date. At the end of each date, there I was . . . lips puckered, eyes closed . . . waiting . . . he was so shy he wouldn't/didn't kiss me. Late at night hanging out and it was obvious that it was Time to Kiss... but we were both self-conscious about bad breath and whatever and started to talk about the comedy of things and decided to just "go for it." I had to beg him to plant one on me. And the rest, as they say, is both History and None of Your Business. I love this man.

Who asked out who first? * more whistling * Whatever! Totally HIM .

Who proposed? John did. Secretly took a day off work right before Lisa started new teaching job - I wanted to propose before she started. Did all her laundry and ironing so she'd be ready to start school. Cleaned my house. Made her favorite dinner. 24 red roses. Lengthy build up talking about our relationship... ending with "so do you want to spend the rest of your life as Mrs. Keller? Will you marry me?" What a guy! He didn't tell you the best part. He knelt down on the ground and had the ring box behind his back, trying to be all secretive about having it. He was apparently trying to open the box with his one hand when it slammed closed on his fingers. We both cracked up at how "un-smooth" it was during such a serious moment. Totally broke the tension and gave us a funny memory.

Who has more siblings?John has five sibs. Lisa has two. 5 > 2

Who wears the pants? We're both bossy-pants, but generally have figured out who leads depending on the activity. He means me.

Name the top three reasons your wife is remarkable. She is very creative and takes great care in all her projects, from the classic "crafts," like scrapbooking or decorating or making doodads for a party or amazing cakes to less obvious things like teaching Megan things in her workbook, or cutting shapes out of paper to teach shapes. And of course the whole blogging thing is a great way she has found to capture our family history.

She is very caring and compassionate. Always going out of her way to help someone even when the lengths to which she is going seem ridiculous to me - I'm more of a "let them lie in their own bed, they made it" person, so I secretly admire this quality of hers. How sweet. I didn't know that.

Given a problem with something she wants to accomplish, she can find some amazingly clever ways to achieve her goal. She is really funny. Example, I went to bed a little earlier the other night to read. She climbs in bed so I ask if it will bother if I continue reading. She replies, "No I'll read for a while too," and proceeds to grab one of Megan's Elmo toddler books and begins reading. I notice and just crack up. Stupid little funny moments like this I love about her. That was pretty funny of me!

If you could have only one superpower, what would it be and why.The ability to read minds so as to avoid saying "the wrong thing." Plus, I'd learn a bunch of secrets and could rule the world and all that until I got bored then I'd just content myself with the knowing the secrets part.

If you lost Lisa in a store and couldn't find her, what physical description would you give so others knew how to help find her? Little hottie see why I married him, about 5'1" I'm way taller than that . . . like 5'2'' at least, shoulder length blond hair, wearing [clothes du jour]. (Although really I probably wouldn't lose her because I tend to keep track of where we all are when we go places. Ain't that the truth. Probably something to do with the fact that I get bored when in a store more than 15 minutes so look around 'where is Lisa' and 'can we go now?' ha. ha.)

Tell us something we don't already know about you. Fascinated by physical sciences like Physics, Chemistry, and Astronomy. Wish I'd been a little more attentive in college during those courses. I'd secretly like to go back and take college courses in all those things, plus Geology and Anthropology. Sometimes forgets to put the toilet seat down, the best dad ever, cutest bum you've ever seen, sexiest man alive

Tell us something we don't already know about Lisa. Secretly wishes she could have been a fighter pilot just the super fast flying part, not the hurting people part or forensic scientist too bad I'm no good at science

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Perhaps there are things I just shouldn't know

Ever wonder if anyone is actually reading your blog?

I did . . . so I added this function called Blogpatrol.

Blogpatrol tells me how many hits a day I've gotten, etc.

If someone used a search engine to find my blog, it tells me what search engine they used (ex: google) and what they searched for. (It doesn't tell me who they are, just how they stumbled upon my blog.)

Here are some of my favorites this week -

1. Farm blondes - is someone looking for a date?

2. Breastfeeding a teenager - under what circumstance would that EVER be even close to appropriate? Just knowing someone out there searched for this is keeping me up at night.

3. Doop diggity you got that thang lyrics - why haven't I ever heard of that song? Sounds like lyrics I might want to sing to St. John.

4. How to get my sexy back? - boy have you come to the wrong place sista. (Seriously though, isn't that kinda odd? Like the internet has an answer to that question.

5. home sexy children fat - we definitely have all that here . . . just maybe not in that order.

Oh my! They say you can tell a lot about a person's blog by what keyword searches people use to find it.

If you're reading this, chances are . . . you just one sick individual. I mean that in the nicest possible way of course.


If you have blogpatrol, make me feel better. Leave me a comment telling me what keywords have brought people to your blog. Are people weird, or is it my blog that is weird????

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Back to the Basics

Ready for a fun day out with Mommy.


1. Go to Cookie Cutters for a long overdue haircut

(For those of you, like my Nana, who are gasping for air at the thought of me cutting off my daughter's curls . . . it had to be done. It was getting a little too high maintenance for a two year old - falling out of ponytails and constantly getting in her food, etc. When it was wet, it would get her clothes wet because it was so long. I had to mousse it and blow it dry daily.

I'm not typically an advocate of convenience before beauty . . . glamour gods, please forgive me.

It took a major bribe to coax her from her hiding place on the floor underneath the playground equipment (where I was about 75 pounds worth of "too big" to reach her.)

She was hiding under there thinking, "Yeah, I don't know what in the world you want but I'm guessing I won't like it very much!"

What???? a haircut?
I knew this was too good to be true.

Each cutting station had it's own television.

With a sucker in her mouth and Dora the Explorer on the tv, the cutting was a breeze.
Clifford the Big Red Dog didn't hurt either.

See Nana . . . still adorable, just a little shorter.

Tomorrow we're getting her eyebrows waxed.
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Really John, breathe, I'm kidding.

2. Next, we were off to the movies to see Madagascar 2.

Megan ate an entire bag of popcorn herself during the movie. I couldn't even help because of the stitches in my gums.

We both loved the movie and had a lot of fun together.

Later that evening when John came home from work, Megan was so excited to show her daddy her new "style." As John was examining the cut, Megan exclaimed, "Daddy, that lady put mousse in my hair!"


Technically speaking, this was her second haircut . . .

The first was when she was three months old, sporting a bald spot on the back of her head that would have made Franciscan monks jealous. My stylist gave her a little trim to camouflage it a bit.

Go ahead, call me crazy.

Everyone else did.


Oh, and sorry there is no inappropriate s-e-x talk as an attempt at humor in this post.

Hope you're not too disappointed in me.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Stupid answers

When I was a teacher I'd tell my high school students, "There are no stupid questions!" I guess I was hoping to spark their inquisitive minds with a little encouragement. I would see a hand in the back of the room shoot up, eagerly awaiting my permission to speak. I'd call the student's name, clear my throat, and review my knowledge of the topic as I anxiously awaited the question. The question that 6 years of school prepared me to answer. Most of the time I heard, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

Spending 9 years up close and personal with the youth of America could not make me change my mind about stupid questions.

Two and a half short years of motherhood, on the other hand, HAS. Yes, my friends, stupid questions certainly do exist and they can usually be found anywhere parents of young children congregate. Say . . . at a three year old's birthday party, for example. (That's where we were last night.)

Here's how the night went . . .

And how old is Megan? this also known as the foot-in-the-door question - you know, the fairly benign question asked to gain some cooperation, followed up by the ultra-intrusive and uncomfortable . . .

So when are you gonna start trying for another baby??????

Gosh, I feel a bit uncomfortable. I thought that was between me and my uterus.

I used to respond with the standard, "Well, we've had three trips to the emergency room, two calls to Poison Control, one fall off the kitchen table, and one surgery to remove a foreign body from the esophagus. Not sure we're quite ready to add to the family just yet."

Next time, I'm gonna try, "So when are you gonna have that huge hair sticking out of your chin waxed?????" If they can ask rude, inappropriate questions SO CAN I!!!!

I think it is about time for rude, inappropriate answers to prevail.

How long are you going to keep breastfeeding???? (disapproving, ugly face)
When I've saved up enough money to buy boobs this big!

(I only did it for 6 months. Jeepers! You would have thought I was breastfeeding a teenager.)

You still let her use the pacifier???
Why yes, we do. It keeps her from cussing so much.

How long are you going to let her sleep in your bed?
Until we're not too tired to start having sex again. Duh.
(Ewww, kinda can't believe I just wrote that. I'm on a roll I guess.)

Is she still drinking from a bottle?
Yes, she prefers her beer in a bottle.

When are you going to stop giving her a bottle at night?
When are you going to mind your own beeswax?

I'm totally cracking myself up here.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Putting the SAINT in St. John

This is my husband St. John.

My friends gave him that nickname . . .

calling him a saint for putting up with me. I guess I can be a handful sometimes . . . like this past weekend.

Some of the reasons I loved
being St. John's wife this weekend:

1. He didn't care if my breath was really stinky. He kissed me anyway. Ewwww.

2. He set an alarm to wake me up in the middle of the night for pain medication. He brought the pills to me in bed with a cup of jello (just in case they upset my stomach.)

3. He pulled out the Betty Crocker cookbook and made me homemade macaroni and cheese . . . twice! I'm probably the only person in the history of the universe to GAIN WEIGHT after having their wisdom teeth taken out. It was so tasty!

4. He brought me ice packs every 20 minutes for my face. When I was too tired to hold them on myself, he held them there for me. Seriously.

5. He did the laundry, changed Megan's diapers, took the dog out . . . pretty much did everything even though I insisted I was feeling great. He made me rest.

6. When the first pain medicine was making me feel high-strung, anxious, dizzy, crazy, and hyper-active (like wanting to go to Target with stitches in my gums and begging someone to take me), he called the doctor for me, had my prescription changed to something nice and relaxing and then went to pick it up for me. I remember very little from the rest of the weekend. Ha.

7. He sat with me and watched all my favorite shows without complaining (too much)about missing Survivorman.

8. He let me drool all over his pillow.

I think my friends got it exactly right . . . He is a


and I'm lucky to have him.

Don't you think?

My sister Katie took these photos for us. She did some family shots too. I'll post those soon!

Thursday, November 6, 2008



I am so doing so good.

John is downstairs sleeping (I'm not even joking here folks.) That is why I was able to sneak up here. I think I'm going to leave him a note saying "Dear St. John, Target is having a huge sale. I just couldn't resist. I'll be home in a few hours." Would that make him flip or what?? ha, ha

The doctor said my teeth didn't want to come out at all so he had to cut them out like they were impacted. Wow, thanks for telling me that. They also said I didn't want to stay asleep. The control freak in me had to make sure they were doing everything right.

Anyway, I've had slivers that hurt worse than this. If I wasn't so drunk I'd drive myself to the mall.

Gotta go . . . something is beeping. John has a zillion timers set (as if the spreadsheet he created isn't enough) to remind him when it is time for me to 1)take some more of these fabulous drugs 2) put some ice on my swollen cheeks 3)try to sip some water

He's the greatest. He just woke up and I'm in big trouble. Gotta go.

P.S. Does anyone want to go to Target????

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I'm So Afraid I'm So Afraid I'm So Afraid

I'm having my wisdom teeth out tomorrow. Just writing that sentence makes every hair on my body stand at attention.

I am terrified. Terrified.

I'm usually pretty tough. Right after my c-section I got out of bed on my own to the astonishment of the nurses. (My child was crying and no one else was in the room. Of course I got out of bed.) I bounced right back and even opened up my incision doing sit ups way too early. (Stupid, I know but my belly looked like marshmallow fluff.)

So, being gutted alive during a c-section doesn't scare me one bit but the dentist . . . now that is a whole other story.

In order to talk myself into my surgery tomorrow, I tried to make a mental list of all the things worse than having my wisdom teeth out.

You know, a little fill in the blank game encouraging me to look on the bright side.

"I'd rather have my wisdom teeth out than ________."

I turned to the internet when I was unable to come up with something terrible enough to fill in the blank. The internet can be so helpful sometimes.

This is called black, hairy tongue. Isn't it the most vile thing you've ever seen??? I forget what causes it. The one thing I know for sure is that I would much rather have my wisdom teeth out than ever have black, hairy tongue.
Wow, thank God for the internet.
I feel so much better now.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Congratulations President-Elect Obama

History was made tonight. Regardless of how you feel about Obama - wow, history was made. Even if you were a McCain supporter (like me) some part of you has to feel satisfied with a country that elected an African-American to its highest office.

We've come a long way. It was moving for me to see the people in Chicago crying when Obama was announced the president. (I was crying too, but for other reasons. ha)

I am a staunch Republican. (understatement) I believe in the strict interpretation of the Constitution, limited government, the sanctity of life, the right to bear arms, and the concept of the free market.

But I am an American first. As an American, my new president-elect is Barack Obama. I'm afraid he is too inexperienced to properly defend my country in the face of terrorism. I'm afraid he is going to chip away at the free market concept. I'm afraid of what will happen to the economy if he raises taxes like he has proposed.

I need to put those fears aside and HOPE for the best. Our country is at war. Now is not the time to be divided. Congratulations Obama - you have my support. Please keep us safe. Please don't be so hell bent on change that you CHANGE the safeguards President Bush has put into place that are keeping us SAFE.

Let Freedom Ring!

How We Celebrated Election Day 2008

Celebrated?? Heck yeah, we celebrated. We live in America, after all . . .
land of the free, home of the brave.

We bought some balloons and tied them to our yard sign.

Isn't it wonderful we live in a country where we are free to express our
political opinions without fear????

Doesn't it get you totally excited?

I hope to instill in my daughter the love I have for my country.

I took her with me today as I voted for possibly the first woman Vice-President of the United States.

I got chills as I held her and pushed the button marked "McCain/Palin."
What a historic election. What an amazing time to be alive in American history.
Let freedom ring!
(Forgive me, but this is my super-bowl . . . my world series of politics. I love it!)

And I do want to say this . . . Regardless of the outcome of the election, I will teach my daughter to be respectful of the office of the President AND the person holding that office. If Obama wins, we will remain loyal to our country, stand behind our commander-in-chief, and NEVER ever bash him the way some people have done to Bush - even if we disagree with his decisions! I cannot stand to hear celebrities say, "If McCain wins, I'm moving to Canada." I'll help you pack your bags. You should be ashamed to say such a thing!!!!!!! Although we live in a country that allows it, there will be no Obama bashing in this house. Now let's just hope we don't have to worry about that.

And that's all I have to say about that

Monday, November 3, 2008

Young Republican

Apparently, we have trained her well.

Good luck Senator McCain.

Whether you're voting for John McCain or Barack Obama (I'll still like you) . . . just go VOTE!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

My Favorite Things About Halloween

1. Celebrating with my favorite peeps in the whole world

2. Seeing Megan sooooo EXCITED to go trick-0r-treating she couldn't
eat her dinner or even sit down long enough to try. (very unusual)

3. Candy for dinner??? Yep, just for today!

4. Laughing to myself about Megan, who walked right up to this terrifying woman but still won't let my dad anywhere near her. Maybe he should try giving her candy!

5. My wonderful neighborhood where everyone gathers with firepits in the driveways to hand out candy and enjoy each other's company. Megan loved prancing around showing off her cuteness.

6. Seeing my little witch with a chocolate ring around her mouth.
She told us, "There is a party in my belly!"

7. Baking cookies for the neighbors
(Don't make fun of how they turned out - only the second time I've made
homemade cookies in my entire life. I tried.)

8. Making little treat suckers for the kids

9. Admiring my overachieving husband's amazing
pumpkin creation again this year.

Mine is on the right . . . I let him win the contest this year!
And last but certainly not least . . .
10. Raiding Megan's treat bucket with St. John after her bedtime . . .
for her own good!