You know, the book that is supposed to answer every possible question that might come up during pregnancy . . . the book that sugarcoats the whole experience and convinces you that when the whole thing is over, you'll walk out of the hospital a size 6 counting down the days until you can get pregnant give birth all over again. Yeah right!
I think I should write a new book.
I could call it WHAT TO ACCEPT WHEN YOU'RE EXPANDING. (Cause face it ladies, you're gonna blow the heck up.)
I could correct all the falsehoods promoted in the other book.
Falsehoods like these . . .
"I'm getting very anxious about labor and delivery. What if I forget everything I learn in childbirth education class?"
The "other book" tries to convince you that everything will be alright, and that the knowledge you gain in your expensive pre-birth class will actually help you to have a zen birth experience.
My version: Yes, you will forget everything you learn. You'll be so preoccupied with the unimaginable PAIN PAIN PAIN you'll forget you're not dying. You'll scream words so filthy you'll want to wash your own mouth out with soap. If you really insist on attempting to prepare yourself for labor, get a hammer and start beating yourself over the head continuously for 18-36 hours. If you can deal with that pain, you're almost ready for labor. (Oh yeah, and don't forget to practice your breathing techniques in between the blows to your head. Ha! They don't work, do they?)
"I'm afraid I'll do something embarrassing during labor."
The "other book" tries to convince you that you'll be so excited about seeing your baby, you won't care about the embarrassment. Interesting perspective, indeed.
My version: Don't worry about a thing. Unless you consider being naked, pulling your knees up to your chest, and pushing so hard you will *gasp* poop in front of a room full of people (including your husband) embarrassing, you don't have a thing to worry about.
I'm just a purveyor of the truth ladies. There is nothing glamorous about giving birth. The end result is the greatest thing in the world and completely worth it (of course) but the process is quite messy ordeal.
I wish "the other book" would just tell it like it is.