Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tell It Like It Is

I've been spending a great deal of time re-reading the "pregnancy bible."



You know, the book that is supposed to answer every possible question that might come up during pregnancy . . . the book that sugarcoats the whole experience and convinces you that when the whole thing is over, you'll walk out of the hospital a size 6 counting down the days until you can get pregnant give birth all over again. Yeah right!



I think I should write a new book.



I could call it WHAT TO ACCEPT WHEN YOU'RE EXPANDING. (Cause face it ladies, you're gonna blow the heck up.)



I could correct all the falsehoods promoted in the other book.



Falsehoods like these . . .



"I'm getting very anxious about labor and delivery. What if I forget everything I learn in childbirth education class?"



The "other book" tries to convince you that everything will be alright, and that the knowledge you gain in your expensive pre-birth class will actually help you to have a zen birth experience.



My version: Yes, you will forget everything you learn. You'll be so preoccupied with the unimaginable PAIN PAIN PAIN you'll forget you're not dying. You'll scream words so filthy you'll want to wash your own mouth out with soap. If you really insist on attempting to prepare yourself for labor, get a hammer and start beating yourself over the head continuously for 18-36 hours. If you can deal with that pain, you're almost ready for labor. (Oh yeah, and don't forget to practice your breathing techniques in between the blows to your head. Ha! They don't work, do they?)



"I'm afraid I'll do something embarrassing during labor."



The "other book" tries to convince you that you'll be so excited about seeing your baby, you won't care about the embarrassment. Interesting perspective, indeed.


My version: Don't worry about a thing. Unless you consider being naked, pulling your knees up to your chest, and pushing so hard you will *gasp* poop in front of a room full of people (including your husband) embarrassing, you don't have a thing to worry about.


I'm just a purveyor of the truth ladies. There is nothing glamorous about giving birth. The end result is the greatest thing in the world and completely worth it (of course) but the process is quite messy ordeal.


I wish "the other book" would just tell it like it is.

10 comments:

Jillene said...

I was so terrified that I would poop all three times I had a baby. I told my husband and Dr. (o.k. told is such a nice word) that if I did--neither of them should tell me. Otherwise they might have a post-natal, hormonal woman on their hands. They both knew better than to say a word. And I am happy in my mind today knowing that I didn't poop during any of my deliveries!! (0;

Our Family said...

Ahahahaha, I'm so bad I'm reading your blog from work because I knew it would make me laugh. After 2 children I share your thoughts exactly. No wonder I said two was enough and my husband was like lets try one more time for a boy. They just don't understand what we go through.

my stay-at-home-momma drama said...

When I asked John if I pooped, he told me "no." Then, months later, my sister shared the news the happy news with me! I'm so glad I had my sister with me in the delivery room. ha, ha, ha, ha

Kristina P. said...

I wonder if I can use a SNuggie as my labor hospital gown.

Kate said...

Gross.

The "other" book actually belongs to me... I want it back. Like 12 weeks and 4 days ago.

I thought the poop thing was a secret...

The High Family said...

Amen to that!

(I will admit I pooped both times)

Trail In Progress said...

I thought everyone pooped during labor? I've never had children (and don't have plans to have one anytime soon...), but was under the assumption that if I ever did, there would most certainly be poop involved in the laboring process. Until now, reading the comments here, I had no idea that there was any way there *wouldn't* be poop. You're pregnant, so most certainly your colon is full...and you'll be pushing...most certainly your colon will empty.

Sally's World said...

gosh, i just remember rolling around in agony, i would have pooped on the queen and not cared as long as it was over...

tell them, if you do, you dont want to know anyway!!!

but honestly, its natural...so hey!!!

Kearsie said...

For dang real.

hotpants™ said...

If I pooped during childbirth, no one told me. I'm thankful that my loved ones (husband & mom) chose not to give me the horrible details.