An Un-Lisa Pregnancy

"How are you feeling?"

It is a question I get asked multiple times per week. I always pause, forgetting and then remembering why people are asking this question. Duh! You're pregnant!

I just feel so "normal."
So completely drama free.

Megan's pregnancy, now that was a whole other story.

Convinced we needed to prepare, John and I took this birthing class at the hospital. John was totally into it, taking notes, asking serious questions, and actually buying the "comfort bag" the teacher recommended for labor. I spent most of the class rolling my eyes and looking out the window thinking, "This crap does not apply to me. I'm getting an epidural. I don't need to learn how to breathe through the pain. I don't need a comfort bag. I'll be wearing lipstick with my hair neatly combed, reading People magazine and watching TV."

Yeah right.

So anyway, John and I were in birthing class watching some terrifying and ridiculously graffic video on childbirth. I drank a whole bottle of water and when I stood up, I noticed my pants were wet.

I slinked away to the bathroom as quietly as I could to inspect. Yep, my pants were wet. Did I pee pee in my panties??? Surely I would have felt that. I couldn't have. My water must have broken. OH MY GOODNESS. It was too soon!

I whispered to my compatriot in the next stall. "Will you please DISCRETELY go get my husband and bring him to the ladies room. I think my water just broke."

Except to her, discretely meant announcing it to the entire birthing class and the overly eager teacher. I think she even told a janitor on the way down the hall.

John came down the the bathroom with the eager teacher in tow. She insisted I go up to Labor and Delivery. So I did.

It was pretty embarrassing at the check-in counter.

"So, what brings you to Labor and Delivery tonight?"

"Well, I either peed my pants or my water broke. Not exactly sure."

I decided to wait before I called my mom.

My plan: If I did pee pee, I'll just make John pinky swear to never tell a soul.

The nurse came in and did some preliminary test, which was positive for amniotic fluid.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!

I started crying.

I called my mom to come immediately, convinced I was about to deliver a premature baby.

I was terrified.

The doctor came in and asked why I was crying.

He said, "That was just a PH test! I didn't mean it was amniotic fluid for sure.

Let me do another test."

Guess what?

I did pee my pants.

On the one hand, I felt relieved I wasn't in premature labor.

On the other hand, it meant I had PEED MY PANTS!

Oh the humiliation.

I called my mom.

"You didn't like tell anyone, did you???"

Good thing she only called every relative I have, all her neighbors, and the church prayer chain.

You've got to be kidding me.

Could this day get any more humiliating??? (Don't ever think that. You'll just curse yourself.)

Once released from Labor and Delivery, we stepped out of the elevator just in time for birthing class to be dismissed. When I saw all the people walking down the hall towards me (in my still wet pants) I did what any rational person would do . . .

I turned and RAN LIKE HELL.

I had one arm on each side of my ginormous belly for support and I ran all the way to the car (with John chasing behind me.) What a sight we must have been, the giant pregnant lady running out of Labor and Delivery (with wet pants, mind you) and her husband chasing after her.

I actually thought I dodged the bullet.

I thought I made it to the car without anyone from birthing class even seeing me.

Until I got home and played the answering machine message . . .

"Lisa, its Mary from birthing class. You didn't have to run away from us. We were just trying to talk to you! We were all worried about how you were doing."

Am I allowed to crawl into a hole now and never come out???? Please????

***************************

So, to answer all of your questions . . .

I feel fine. Great actually. Thanks.

No trips to Labor and Delivery.

No pee pee in my pants (yet.)

I actually forget I'm pregnant (when I'm not reminding John how miserable I am.)

No false labor drama.

This pregnancy (so far) is soooooooooo un-Lisa of me.

And it has been so relaxing.