Monday, December 17, 2007

My 2007 Christmas List

Dear Santa ,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled Megan on demand, gone to the library, park, zoo, and science museum. I’ve endured multiple, public temper tantrums and my daughter throwing my food out of the shopping cart. I was hoping you could bring me just a few
small things, since I’ve been so good AND had to write this letter with Megan’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt, in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple,which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to push my screaming child into her car seat when she doesn’t want to leave the park/playdate/library/etc.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint and (dog nose) resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes Mommy" to boost my parental confidence - one that doesn’t fart loudly in the library or run away from me in the store. As long as we’re being unreasonable here, may I please have three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools?

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Stop playing in the toilet" and "Ahhhh, quit throwing your applesauce all over the floor" and “Stop eating the dog’s food!” because my voice seems to be just out of Megan’s hearing range and can only be heard by the Mocha (who just ignores me anyway.)

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or take a shower without a toddler trying to climb in (fully clothed). I’d really appreciate the chance to actually go to the bathroom ALONE or without rushing through the process worried that one, Megan isn’t in here (very strange) and two, it is way too quiet out there. (This scenario is typically followed by a loud shriek, a dog yelp, a crashing noise, and me running out the bathroom with my pants around my ankles hoping TODAY isn’t the day Columbia gas is outside the kitchen window reading the meter.)

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and Megan just saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think she wants her crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. (Twenty-five dollar co-pays can really add up.)

Help yourself to the organic milk and flaxseed cookies on the table.

Merry Christmas,

P.S. You can cancel all my requests if you're able to convince Weight Watchers (and my thighs) that chocolate and whipped cream are on the "free foods" list.


Ruth said...

Hi Lisa,

Isn't it funny when people ask stay-at-home mothers what they do all day? :)

Hope you get all your wishes.

Love you! Ruth

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA! HA-LARRY-US! That was well worth my time to read. I enjoyed it, thank you for my ammusment!


Rae Ann said...

AWESOME list. But tell me, did you get any of them? I would like to add "free time" because I haven't had any since my daughter was born - 4 years ago!